Most folks have no clue how to draw the line with people who ask too much of them -- unfortunately, it's not something you really learn in school (why don't they offer a class called "Boundaries 101"?) In fact, parents and teachers often instill the exact opposite values in kids -- teaching them to automatically say "yes" to any request under the guise of being ambitious and accommodating (and we wonder why they turn into overwhelmed adults!)

Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries mean letting go of the idea that you can (or should) do it all yourself. We imagine ourselves as indispensable -- falling prey to the "no-one-else-can-do-it-as-well-as-I-can" syndrome. We become unwilling to delegate jobs to other people, to ask for help, or to simply say, "I'm not going do that." That leads to frustration and resentment -- we blame others for heaping too much on our plates, even though we're the ones who said, "pile it on!"

Just understand one thing -- as far as everyone else in the world is concerned, you are replaceable. I don't mean as a human being -- of course you are a unique individual and we would all miss you if you were gone.I'm talking about the tasks you complete, the responsibilities you take on, the favors you do for other people. It's amazing how often we think, "If I don't do it, it won't get done." Not true -- if you can't do it, they'll find someone else.

We're always so afraid of offending another person by saying "no" -- even if acquiescing is going to stress us out or keep us from being able to take care of other more important tasks on our list. But you need to learn how to tactfully dodge a request if you ever want to regain control over your time. The best way to do this is to offer another alternative. If you can't participate right now because you are too busy, but you would really like to help at a later time, say so. "I'm sorry, I can't do it just this minute -- but I'll be free Friday afternoon, if you still need some help." Or you might suggest another, more appropriate resource. "I'm too busy, but I have a friend who has been wanting to get involved. Let me give you her number." And finally, if you are asked to do a job that really doesn't interest you or is outside your area of expertise, offer to assist with a different task. "That's really not my strong suit -- but I would be happy to help out with ________." You will assuage your guilt and feel as though you are still making a contribution, when you follow that "no" with a suggestion for getting the job done another way.

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