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	The Number One Complaint After the Family Get-Together

	by Susan Dunn

I asked a friend of mine how her recent visit with her family was. She went on to complain, with growing ANGER, about what this uncle said, what this cousin did, how this brother acted, and then there was “the Drama Queen aunt” who ruined such and such by doing such and such, like she always does. It was a long list, and her bad mood was clearly going to continue for a while.

WHERE THE PROBLEM LIES

Why is it we sometimes have such a hard time at family get-togethers? I asked a recent teleclass on Emotional Intelligence, and here’s the list they came up with:

we revert to CHILDHOOD roles
everyone comes into the event with EXPECTATIONS
we try to “FIX” everyone else
we exhibit low Emotional Intelligence

Now how can we address some of these challenges and make these family get-togethers better?

REVERTING

In order to avoid reverting to old roles and patterns, get yourself centered and plug into your personal POWER before you go. This means remembering that you are no longer a 6 year old daughter, 8 year old nephew, 10 year old cousin, or 12 year old son. If you feel yourself locking into an old pattern along with feeling hopeless and helpless, take a breath, REMOVE yourself from the situation (mentally and emotionally, if not physically), and disengage until you’ve collected yourself again.

STAYING IN THE PRESENT

Think before you go about your CURRENT life situation –- where you’re a high-functioning, together adult, capable, loving, lovable, and loved. Once there, deal with each single situation and incident as it comes up without dragging in the PAST. The next event you might use for processing. If you feel yourself flaring up, over-reacting compared to how you ordinarily would, or beginning to get off-center, take note of what caused this. You may find it something you need to rethink. One of the things you have as an adult, is CHOICE. You can say “no”.

DON’T TRY AND FIX THEM

If these people –- your relatives -– were fixable, and fixable by you, it would have happened already. The reason we don’t carry this baggage to a regular party or get-together is that we’re interested in ENJOYING ourselves and the people there, and not trying to fix anybody. The same things are likely occur -– someone is late, someone has on the white gloves, someone tells you how to raise your kids, someone drinks too much and becomes moderately offensive -– but our emotional INVESTMENT is not the same. We take it more in-stride because we are’t responsible for these people. In order to survive the big family get-togethers you have to get the same mindset. That is, if you want to enjoy yourself.

EXPECTATIONS

When you think about it, it’s our expectations that make us happy or unhappy. If you’ve prepared for a family get-together that you expect to be a disaster, your body tenses up, you might get a headache or stomachache, or you start giving your partner a litany of what’s going to happen and how awful it’s going to be. You start CATASTROPHIZING! You’re setting yourself up to have an awful time, because you expect to. Also because you’re becoming rigid, you lose the ability to COPE.

THE OTHER END OF THE SPECTRUM

Or, alternately, you’re telling yourself this time it’s going to be different and you’re going to have a PERFECT get-together -- nothing will go wrong and everyone will behave just as you intend them to. Perfectionism is an expectation that is guaranteed to cause distress. If the event turns out to be enjoyable, or you manage to enjoy yourself, be happily SURPRISED. Keep your expectations limited, and plan to enjoy yourself. That’s the only thing under your control.

AVOIDING EXTREMES

Either extreme isn’t helpful. The negative one will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and the latter isn’t likely to occur. Avoid the use of “NEVER” and “ALWAYS.” They are not helpful, nor are they often true -- unless you say to yourself “I always have a bad time,” or “I never have a good time,” in which case you will make sure this happens! All the Emotional Intelligence competencies come into play when managing this. Let's talk through some of the more pertinent ones...

INTENTIONALITY

Intentionality means having an INTENT to what you do, what you say and how you act. Before you go, ask yourself some hard questions -– and answer them to yourself, the person who matters. Do you intend to have a bad time? Do you intend to get your feelings hurt? Do you intend to lock horns with Uncle Teddy? Do you intend to insult your brother? Do you intend to pick a fight with someone?

OPTIMISM

Optimism means attributing bad things in ways that are not damaging. When something negative occurs -– let’s say your mother takes off on you again about your hairstyle. It isn’t PERSONAL -- i.e., your mom does this to everyone, not just you, so it isn't an attack on you as an individual. It isn’t PERMANENT -- i.e., you can change your hairstyle, your mom can change her attitude, you can quit letting her get to you, and this won’t always happen everywhere. It isn’t PERVASIVE -- most of the time things go well for you, and everyone at works loves your hairstyle. So does your partner! And most importantly, so do you! If the event itself isn’t much fun, attribute it the same way. Nothing personal, nothing pervasive, nothing permanent.

FLEXIBILITY

Being flexible means going with the tide, bending a little, not getting rigid from the stress. If you shut down and start trying to CONTROl the uncontrollable, you will make things worse. If you’ve scheduled an event and some of the people show up late, be flexible. In fact, plan on it. Put their hamburgers under foil in the oven, and they can eat when they get there. No need to ruin the fun or spoil your party. If you then go on to say that YOU aren’t important to them, you’re going down a road (the ego-road) you don’t want to go. Just let it go. Sometimes they’re on time; sometimes they’re not.

CREATIVITY AND RESILIENCE

Think of creative ways to MANAGE the event, and also your emotions. You can do it! Better to devote your thinking-time to that, instead of to worrying and being negative. And resilience means being able to BOUNCE back from setbacks, losses, and rejections without losing your aplomb –- or rather without losing your enthusiasm and hope.

KEEPING CONTROL

Emotions are our guides, and though we don’t like the negative ones, they give us information. Sort through the feelings you have, learn to identify them, and figure out the MESSAGE -- and from the standpoint of an adult, not in your former roles. With time you’ll become faster at processing the emotions and getting the message. This gives you more freedom in responding, if you choose to!

Susan Dunn -- The EQ Coach™ -- has an MA in Clinical Psychology. She provides coaching resources, tools and support for your personal and professional development -- including numerous ebooks, home study courses and EQ Alive, an EQ Coach training and certification. Susan may be contacted at www.susandunn.cc or .

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